How to build relationships with people
Great tips for improving relationships with friends, acquaintances, and loved ones:
Focus on yourself first .
The most important relationships you build with yourself! Learn to put yourself in first place, paying due attention to your health, physical fitness and nutrition. Do not forget about the emotional state. Often we try to strengthen self-confidence and increase self-esteem with the help of other people, but the cultivation of these qualities depends only on ourselves. If you take responsibility, you get the opportunity to actively build relationships. Do not fall for the erroneous delusion that a lonely person is unhappy and unprotected. Better to be alone and happy than half of an unhappy couple.
Invest in relationships.
In this case, we are not talking about spending huge sums of money. Spend time on relationships that you consider important, do not spare efforts and energy. This can be regular meetings with a partner, meetings over a cup of coffee with a friend, traditional trips to a restaurant, family dinners or joint games with children. Organize a book lovers club or an evening watching OWO discs. As part of your new health promotion program, gather a sports team or a group of hiking enthusiasts. A big plus of regular communication with friends and relatives is that it minimizes organizational chores, which often prevent us from meeting with close people.
Do you prefer to speak in hints or openly express your thoughts? Honesty is the best strategy! We believe that loved ones already know about our love, but still it is worth it more often to remind them of this. If you are upset, confused, unhappy or disappointed, do not hide your emotions. Perhaps this advice sounds like a cliche, but open and honest communication is the key to a strong relationship. It is unlikely that it will be possible to avoid disputes and disagreements, but be prepared to compromise and seek mutually acceptable solutions. Honest communication carries a positive charge and is straightforward and transparent. If we are already talking about honesty, give the floor forever to abandon the small "innocent" deceptions, the so-called lie for salvation. If you are late or forget about an important event, apologize, but do not try to whitewash yourself by inventing all kinds of excuses.
Speak less, listen more.
Speak twenty percent, listen to eighty percent of the time of communication. Many of us think that we are good listeners, but look around: most people prefer to hear what they want to hear. Listening is a real art that requires practice. Before expressing your opinion, do not consider it difficult to comprehend the position of your interlocutor. When we listen, memories of our personal experiences come to life in our memory, which we try to include in the dialogue. But in reality, our experience can be very different from what the interlocutor wants to convey to us. We are in a hurry with conclusions, as a result of which there is a misunderstanding. When you have a desire to share memories of your experience, pause and listen - listen carefully! Accustom yourself not to interfere in the conversation until the interlocutor finishes speaking. After he has shut up, mentally count to three in case he is just considering how to better formulate the idea. If you want to make sure that you understand everything correctly, repeat the main points. If you did not hear what was said at all, this will give the interlocutor the opportunity to correct you immediately.
Understanding the basic rules for raising questions can serve you invaluable. If you ask questions that need to be answered only with “yes” or “no”, your interlocutor will most likely confine himself to such a monosyllabic answer. In some cases, such a short answer is quite enough, for example, when you want to find out if your husband will return home for dinner, you need to take your children to workout, whether your parents will come for lunch on the weekend. In such situations, closed questions save time by not allowing empty, meaningless dialogs. However, if you need detailed information, ask open-ended questions that encourage constructive dialogue. Typically, such questions include questions with the words “who”, “what”, “when”, “where” and “how”. Ask your partner if he is happy, and he will most likely get off with a laconic yes or no. Instead, try asking a neutral, open-ended question that encourages a partner to reveal their true feelings and thoughts, for example: “What should we do so that we can spend more time together?”
Determine what you want.
Do you want to find your soul mate, make new friends, rekindle fading feelings? Recognizing your own feelings and emotions and casting doubt on limiting beliefs are the most difficult obstacles to happiness. Regardless of your plans for this or that relationship, you should be aware of what you want and never try to think for others. Remember, our relatives, spouses and friends do not know how to read thoughts, so first clarify for yourself your needs, values and priorities, and only then proceed to discuss the relationship.
Some boundaries are universal, such as those that separate violence, abusive behavior, drug use, alcoholism, and gambling abuse. However, there are quite blurry borders. Review your values and priorities and establish an appropriate framework in your personal life, even if it comes to simple rules: smoking in the house, an agreement with a partner not to work on weekends, sharing household responsibilities. Draw boundaries, taking a clear and unequivocal position regarding what people around you cannot do or say in your presence.
Assert your rights.
“No” is such a short word, but sometimes it is very difficult to pronounce. Remember those countless situations where you mechanically agreed to work overtime, lunch with friends, or an unwanted meeting. Perhaps your consent was dictated by a sense of duty. Imagine for a moment: if you did not have to accept the consequences of refusal, would you agree to these requests? If you do not learn to refuse, then in the end you simply will not have time for your own affairs. Check your priorities and say yes only when you really agree. Make a list of requests, tasks or assignments that you usually agree to, but which you resist in your soul. Compare this list with your priorities and do not hesitate to delete from it those items that do not agree with the indicated priorities. And do not forget that, saying “no”, you are trying not to spoil the relationship, but to give your “yes” more significance and weight.
Simply put, the ability to assert one’s rights is the ability to express feelings openly, tactfully and constructively, as opposed to aggressive behavior and manipulation. Speak directly, refuse without lengthy excuses and explanations. Listen carefully to the interlocutor and try to build a constructive dialogue so that, if necessary, find a compromise solution. By and large, you say no for a good reason, so don't let yourself be drawn into half an hour of wrangling. Hesitation and timid apologies will only prolong the discussion and give the interlocutor the opportunity to persuade you, regardless of your initial intentions.
Of course, in theory, all this looks attractive, but let's look at two real-world examples. First: your friend asks you to borrow five hundred dollars to hold on to your paycheck. This is contrary to your values and crosses your boundaries. Explain explicitly to him that you adhere to the rule of not lending to friends. Do not succumb to guilt and do not make excuses; you should also not give him lectures of morality. Second: your mother calls on Friday night, and just when you are about to leave. She wants to chat, and you understand that you’ll hang on your phone for at least an hour. The easiest option, of course, is to install a caller ID and call back at a convenient time, if you can’t answer the call right away. But if you already picked up the phone and regret it, just say that you are currently busy, so you only have a couple of minutes. Or promise to call back when you are free and you can talk enough.
Resolve conflicts as soon as possible.
No matter what good intentions you are guided by, there will always be disagreements between you and your loved ones. Make it a rule to resolve all conflicts as they arise, without delaying until they gain a critical mass and become the cause of family enmity. Do not try to put the blame on someone else's shoulders, usually this does not lead to anything good. You still won’t solve the problem this way, but only exacerbate the situation. Better focus on finding constructive solutions so that all parties to the conflict can move on. Listen carefully, try to understand the point of view of the interlocutor, maintain open-mindedness, be open to opinions other than yours, and keep objectivity. Stay on the topic of conflict and seek consensus until you find a solution that satisfies both sides.
Saying “sorry” is almost as difficult as saying “no.” If you are wrong, sincerely ask for forgiveness, but do not bother unnecessarily and apologize for what you are not to blame. If the fault lies with both of you, someone should still take the first step. Take responsibility for your misconduct: sincerely apologize and express your willingness to resolve the conflict, if possible. Keep silent - and the relationship will deteriorate completely.
3. Ask the person how you could help him
Did your interlocutor mention some insoluble problem during the conversation? Offer him your help! Not everyone is ready to help a stranger. Suggest solutions to problems. Maybe it is thanks to your ideas that the interlocutor will understand why he had such a situation, find the key to its solution.
It is important not only to offer your help, but also to keep these promises. Never reassure a person if they themselves are not confident in their abilities. Building trust is not easy, but ruining it is a matter of one second.
It all depends on you. Develop communication skills daily. With effort, you can easily make acquaintances with successful people.
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Refusal after interview: why? Successful job search experience
The psychological skills of influencing people, attracting them to their side, winning friends and supporters have long been popular in America - since the release of the famous Dale Carnegie book in 1936, which has been selling well to this day. But relations specialists go further: the art of influencing people is in demand in the modern world more than ever. We offer an excerpt from the new bestseller on this topic.
In a world where everyone is constantly busy, you have to fight for the attention of people, and there is nothing wrong with using a couple of tricks that encourage others to listen to you. But as soon as they begin to listen, you have no right to deceive them. If they feel that you are concentrated on their own point of view and don’t hear what they are telling you, they will try to distance themselves from you as much as possible. And the next time you want to make contact with them, they will not answer your call.
In order to reach out to people and enlist their support for a long period, you need to stop pushing them. Stop selling. Stop focusing on what you want them to do. And stop hunting to trick them.
Instead, it is necessary to influence them in such a way as to form a true and sincere connection. You need to understand what their vision is and turn it into a part of your own. You should motivate them to work together with you to achieve important goals. This is precisely the secret of building long-term relationships and impressive achievements.
Here is an example
Gisele Chapman wanted to work as a sales representative in the pharmaceutical industry, but was refused after each interview. She began to ask why she was not offered a job. And every time I heard the same answer: the company needs people with at least two years of experience in the pharmaceutical industry.
She tried to find out why two years of experience is so important for employers. Interviewers replied: “Experienced and trained sales representatives are more likely to meet with doctors, our main clients. It takes time to understand the situation prevailing in the clinics, to understand how to build a conversation, to establish contacts with influential people and ultimately to arrange a meeting with the doctor "
Giselle thanked for the clarification. A few days later she went to the building of a large clinic and took the elevator to the top floor. Starting from there, she gradually descended lower and lower, went into each office and asked: “Can I talk to a person who usually meets with sales representatives of pharmaceutical companies?” She was often answered with consent, and sometimes the doctors themselves turned out to be her interlocutors. In this case, she said the following: "I conduct a series of interviews to find out what is going well and what can be changed in terms of improving our service for you."
At the next interview, Giselle asked: "Is there any good reason why I can’t be considered a worthy candidate?" As always, the HR manager said she lacked experience. To this, Giselle replied: "And if I tell you that I could communicate with a lot of doctors without your professional trainings, will you, as before, assume that I will not be able to work in your industry?"
The manager said: "Of course." His company was rightly proud of its training program, which was almost the best in the industry, and it was believed that it was thanks to it that sales representatives showed good results.
Giselle continued: “Last week I met with a dozen doctors from ten different medical facilities. I collected data on what they need and to what extent their needs are met by pharmaceutical companies. How interested are you in this information?” The human resources manager quieted down and said: “And you didn’t work for the company, you don’t have business cards, and you still could talk to the doctors? If you really did, then you won’t go anywhere. I’m ready to immediately hire you to work , you don’t need to go to the next interview. " Gisele Chapman was hired by Bristol-Myers Squibb, one of the leading pharmaceutical companies of her time. She became her best sales representative, and then founded her own consulting organization.
Giselle got her first job in the pharmaceutical industry, having done something that almost no candidate does, she imagined what the main task could be for both her and the interviewer. She went beyond the boundaries of the “my and near” system (I’m smart, punchy and I want this job) and moved to the “alien and distant” system of my interlocutor (we need someone who can arrange an appointment with doctors and understand what they want). Having done this, she attracted the attention of the interviewer, offered him her valuable experience and, in the end, got the job she wanted.
We do not believe that a related influence of this kind is given without effort. On the contrary, we argue that you have to work hard, no less than Giselle. You must refuse the installation of "what will work for me?" and ask, "What will be beneficial for everyone?" And this means focusing on long-term benefits, and not on momentary victories. Following our path, you can move from an incoherent influence to a connected one and, like many influential people with whom we spoke, change your relationship with people, and indeed your life.
Rule 11 - Know how to say no!
You should not constantly indulge in the absurd demands of your spouse. If your soulmate, for example, requires you to report on each step taken, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. No need to feed other people's flaws, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, this is how you preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your will and your desires.
Rule 12- Keep a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner
Try not to impose yourself excessively on your partner. Оставьте ему простор для независимости. Не следует пытаться контролировать каждый его шаг и стремиться заполнить все время тем, чтобы быть рядом с ним. Я понимаю, этого совета трудно придерживаться тем, кто видит смысл жизни только в своей любви к одному человеку. Но назойливое стремление ограничить чужую свободу может встретить сопротивление и неприятие вашего партнера.In order not to feel painful attachment to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. Indeed, in a relationship there should be a place for loneliness, and for your personal affairs. Find what you like, brings joy, what you can do and get carried away when your partner is not around. Do not reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!
But at the same time, concern for their own independence should not develop into licentiousness and ignoring relations. Yes, on the one hand, you should not try to spend all the time in each other's arms, but also you should not neglect the care of relationships and the attention that you can pay to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your half does not pay attention to you at all. How to find a balance?
Meetings should not be too rare if you have a serious relationship, but at the same time, you don’t have to see each day, unless, of course, both of them want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then this is not a big deal, he should have his own life. But if it grows into everyday activities after work, when he does not see you anyway, then this is already a step beyond. In general, there can be no exact recommendations on how not to cross the line between the imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!
Rule 13 - Do Not “Play Chamomile”
"Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but it seems to me that my strong feelings for him have disappeared." Of the fact of lack of feelings, people often make a big problem.
Do not take the weakening of feelings as a symptom of the fact that there are problems in the relationship and you need to take some measures. Do not become attached to feelings, because they are temporary and unstable. Passion and strong love pass, such is the nature of man. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: either they exist, then they don’t exist, then you feel a certain rush of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.
If you put such an unreliable and unstable thing as feelings at the heart of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and unstable. It’s the same as building only wind power stations in one country. The weather is very variable, so the supply of cities with electricity will be very unstable.
I'm not saying that you need to completely neglect emotions. You just should not see in them the only criterion for your relationship. Do not get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you should not constantly play chamomile and try to arouse feelings in yourself. So, on the contrary, you will attract tension and doubts that will interfere with any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then again will leave, then to return. After all, they are as unpredictable elements as the wind!
And perhaps you, having relaxed, will understand that feelings have always been there, just behind your desire for strong feelings, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your eyesight, so that for a while you cease to see calm tones.
The same may apply to your expectations from a partner. Do not expect him to be always in love with Romeo. His feelings are just as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men are generally more restrained in expressing their feelings than women.
Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy
I am sure that many of those who read this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but this does not work out for them. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has flaws that he doesn’t want to correct, and you can’t set him on the right path. You are concerned about your relationship and you have a very noble desire to correct them. I think that those who are used to letting things go by themselves are unlikely to read about how to fix